I don’t like talking about myself.
I really don’t. And I don’t really like talking about my personal life. At least not anything too personal. But I’m going to be real for a minute, so bear with me.
I’m scared of being alone in life.
I have depression. Not “had,” I still have it. And every now and then, it gets the better of me. I absolutely hate that feeling. The thing is everybody says it’s only in my head and that I need to “shake it off” or just “snap out of it.” I have good days, but lately, I’m having a few more bad days.
Did I mention that I hate it?
It’s like nobody cares, and I try not to burden my troubles and personal feelings on anybody else. People have their own problems they deal with, and my problems aren’t their problems, so I keep them bottled up. More often than not, I’d just sit in my room, look at either the TV screen or the computer monitor and just bury myself in work and all.
I think the reason I needed to stay offline for a while is because I think the computer does more harm than good, and while I do talk to a few folks out there, it still cements the fact that I don’t have any friends on the other side of the screen. I convinced myself that The X Bridge is a relic from an internet that doesn’t really exist any more. There’s still a lot to say, but I’m not as angry as I used to be, and I don’t want to be that angry cartoon nerd boy that people could just laugh at any more. I’m more sad than angry these days.
Not just because these idiotic companies and networks refuse to change, but I’ve outgrown them and they don’t give a damn.
I’ve always felt like an outcast in my own part of the world. Hell, I felt like an outcast in my own family sometimes. I live right. I’m getting healthier, losing weight and all, but this life just seems so tedious. I can’t get a decent job around here (the phrase “overqualified” comes up way too much in my job interviews), and aside from taking care of my mother, I don’t feel I’m living up to my potential.
I feel trapped, and I can’t get out. And I’m fricking sick of it.
I need to see the world, but without funds, I’m very limited and stuck in the same place.
I do have a girlfriend, and I love her so much. She loves me too. At least she tells me that, and I believe her when she does. But I’m always scared that I might lose her. I get afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, making her intimidated by me. Why? Maybe because there’s a stubborn belief that I don’t deserve her, and I don’t want that to be true. I’m more comfortable telling her my feelings than she is. Maybe I’m too open about how I feel about her than I should be, and I’m absolutely petrified of disappointing her. And those days I can’t really connect with her, I feel lonely.
I need more time to myself to work things out personally, but I don’t know what’s next. I’m not even sure I want to get back online or do much of anything these days.
I know I’m not really alone in this world, but some days, it feels like I am. This was one of those days.